Mr. Silage O’Drearie was a young County Galway farmer who decided one evening to go to a contemporary dance review. ‘He was thinking there would be a bit of nudity in it,’ explained his former wife, ‘so he need not spend the decoupling grant on the pornography . Well off he went, but didn’t he meet some young wans there who were of a bohemian inclination. And did they not persuade himself that he would enjoy the show more if he smoked a cigarette filled with marijuana – Mary Jane as it’s called up in Moycullen – and a sprinkle of Mexican Black Tar Heroin.
‘He had a grand night and got home safe and well, but the next morning did he not have an awful look on him like he was thirsting for a drink all day but no amount of my lemonade could quench him. Well a week later there was himself sat on the sofa with the needle in his arm, glassy eyed and drooling every time he opened his mouth to quote William Burroughs. Well things went from bad to purgatorial. The cows went unmilked, the sheep unsheared, and my own needs went unattended to by his manhood for a twelve-month. The farm was ruined, and I forced to take a young Polish fellow to my bed for the sake of my constitution…’ To this day Mrs. Szymborska (formerly Mrs. O’Drearie) has not received a cent in compensation from the dance company that brought such trauma into her life!
However, closer examination of the terrible events that befell Mr. O’Drearie would suggest that his problem was not caused by modern dancing. Rather his trouble was a result of his own expectations, compounded by his giving way to peer pressure. Instead of talking openly about sex with his wife, he went to a dance review; rather than coming home he tried to ingratiate himself, doubtless still hoping for sexual gratification, into a group of drug users. To put it bluntly Mr. Silage O’Drearie was a bit of a silly sod.
Rather than lusting after dancers he should have tried a bit of dancing himself, preferably with his wife. Dancing, and indeed any kind of exercise, would have strengthened his bones, increased his heart and lungs and made his brain (and pecker) more agile. As for drugs and sex the sad truth is that – whether legal or illegal – chemicals can have a pretty bad effect on sexual performance. Too much alcohol can leave a man a bit floppy in his trousers . Continued alcohol use reduces the testosterone and his ability to be aroused, even by himself. More potent drugs have an even greater impact, all of which leads to sexual frustration and mental suffering, which in turn can lead to an individual seeking solace with more chemicals legal and illegal.
Best advice: stay happy by resisting peer pressure